This week's requested blog is on Self-Confidence. I am so excited to share my journey with you on how I found TRUE self-confidence. Key word: TRUE. In fact, this might just turn into a mini series.
Self-Confidence: a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.
Throughout High School I STRUGGLED with insecurity. I had no clue who I was or who I was supposed to be. Like most teenagers, I was looking for my place in society and was striving to be of the elite crowd that walked the halls. I was shy, anxious, insecure, and gullible to a fault. Those traits did not make for an easy journey. I went through 7th - 11th grade just trying to fit in and be liked by everyone. I was giving pieces of myself up just to conform to the world's standards. I was lost in the sea of caring too much about what others thought of me, and I started to drown. I had looked for affirmation and acceptance in boys, social media, grades, and cliques that I thought were the IT crowd. Each of them had failed me. I walked away each time with regret, self-doubt, and disappointment. Each time I tried to "become somebody" was just another devastating blow to my self-esteem and weighed me down with an overwhelming since of worthlessness. Of course, I don't think anyone actually knew how much I was struggling at that point. I was so intentional about putting on an "I've got it all together" act, but on the inside, there was a storm of confusion.
As a junior in high school, I started to realize that I did not like who I was becoming. I didn't know what I was missing. Life seemed to be good. I was better than ever at my sport (which was dance). I was making plans with friends every weekend. I was at the top of the totem pole as a Junior, and I was actually being noticed by guys at school. That sounds pretty good right? WRONG. Towards the end of Junior year I really started to publicly struggle with my self-worth. I would sit by the pool with my mom and cry for hours because I had made so many mistakes and had turned my back on who I was for so long. I was in full regret with how I had handled pressures and expectations at school, and I wanted so bad to feel like I was worthy of the guy that I had just met. He was so good and so sure of who he was. He exuded confidence and knew that his purpose in life was to become a preacher. I was so uncomfortable with who I had become that I thought I didn't stand a chance with him. I just prayed he'd let me into his life to be friends. I thought maybe I could learn something from him because I admired him so. (SPOILER: This "guy" is now my sweet husband) Through all that, God really began to work in my life.
It was the Summer before my Senior year and like most every Sunday, I was sitting in church at 10 AM. The pastor was preaching on how the world puts God in a box and how we try to dictate what God can and can't do. I remember that message so clearly. On that day, I went down to the altar sobbing. It was the definition of an ugly cry. I was so broken because I knew that I had put God in a box. I had dictated what He could and couldn't do in my life. I laid my head straight down, and I remember crying out to God because I needed Him. I had been doing life on my own for so long and clearly it wasn't working out. This was the first time I truly recognized how lost I was. I asked Him to take over and take control of all the things that I couldn't. As I walked up the stairs to the balcony where I sat, I felt like a totally new person. My heart felt lighter, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I knew I had purpose. I still didn't know what that purpose was, but I knew I belonged and I knew I was here for a reason.
I began digging deep in His word about what He had to say about me. Suddenly, I started feeling sure of the decisions I was making for myself. I started saying no to invites, focusing on my soul's destiny, and really leaning in to hear from the One I knew had a plan for me. My outlook on life was totally different. My life drastically changed my senior year. I was a completely different person. I was confident in who I was for the FIRST TIME EVER.
That year, I had a desire in my heart to compete in the Miss Alabama Organization. It was not of my own thoughts, prayers, or even dreams. Remember, I was SHY, gullible, and insecure. Does that sound like a big time pageant girl that engages in public speaking, political interviews, or even strutting across a stage in a bathing suit? NOPE. Yet, there I was training to compete in my first preliminary pageant. Through the Miss Alabama Pageant, each contestant had to have a platform. I wracked my brain for weeks trying to decide what I was passionate about. My mom and I made lists, had brain storming sessions, and talked about it for hours. One day, it hit me. I knew my platform was to be for girls of all ages and helping them finding their self-worth, self-respect, and in the end, SELF-CONFIDENCE. If I could just keep 1 girl from struggling like I did.... I WAS ALL IN. A few weeks later G.I.R.L.S. (Growing, Initiating, and Realizing Lessons in Self-Respect) was born. Soon after, I was booking sessions to speak to girls all over the county! I had found the key to Self-Confidence and I couldn't wait to share.
You see, we only find TRUE Self- Confidence when we are smack dab in the middle of what God's Soul Purpose is for us. Only through Jesus Christ can we find who we are supposed to be, how we fit into the puzzle of life, and the purpose of our life. It's in Him where we learn why we aren't meant to conform to the world or look like everyone around us. To this day, I am confident in who I am because it is who He made me to be. My soul's purpose is to help every girl of every age to find their TRUE source of confidence. YOU are my soul purpose. And GUESS WHAT??? Go ahead, guess! He has a purpose for your soul. Your journey, your personality traits, your past, your present, and your desires all work together for the good of His purpose for you.
I hope my story can touch just 1 person one day. I hope that I can be a tool for Jesus to use to pull someone else out of the sea of the world's crushing expectations and pressures. I hope everyone can find the TRUE source, because when I did..... my world was turned upside down in the most wonderful way.
Please share this blog if you feel led. You can share in your stories on Instagram or simply share through messenger or on your feed on Facebook. This is something we ALL struggle with on some level. Thank you for reading The Soul Purpose Blog. It is my heart's desire to help all to be confident in who they are created to be. I love YOU.
- Madelynn Duke
The Soul Purpose Blog
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