PEANUTS
FAILURE
CANCER
SPIDERS
CHANGE
FLYING
LOSS
All week I kept making a mental list of the things that scare me to death. ALL WEEK. I was super annoyed because honestly, I don't like to think about those things, let alone make a list of them. I tried to just not think about it, but the list kept staring me down every day as if it were saying "Whatcha gonna do about it?". What's that all about?? What am I going to do about it?? What kind of question is that? How are you supposed to give an answer to something that paralyzes you on the daily?
Truthfully, no fear big or small is an easy one to overcome. The big, bold words listed above in no particular order send me running for the hills on the daily. Some days I put on my brave face to act like I'm doing just fine and nothing could ever keep me from my dreams, but it's exactly that... AN ACT. The past month and a half that I have lived in NOLA have been the hardest days of my life, and I have been ruled and reigned over by the fears that are constantly taunting me in my mind. There have been no brave faces, battle cries, or bold moments. There have been tears, anger, and a lot of panic attacks.
I thought that what I was going through had been a tell tell sign of how weak, insecure, and gutless I am. I thought that my "true colors" were showing through and everything I had become and overcome were just a glimmer of hope in a truly truly hopeless life. I felt as if I had let everyone I loved down because I could not overcome the things that were a constant scream in my head. The time spent here seemed to be the path of my destruction, but I'm starting to realize exactly what has taken place.
It's not a path of destruction, a revealing moment of my true identity, or even a failing moment. It's an orchestration of events by the author of confusion, death, and silence.
Since we moved to New Orleans from Alabama on January 3rd, I have been sick, had an ER visit, been shocked by my stove (which is now hilarious but terrifying in the moment), stood in a sea of people that I do not know (which is extremely intimidating for an introvert with anxiety issues), had panic attack after panic attack, and realized I was 5 hours from all my comfort and familiarity, and repeatedly have run into situations at new restaurants where my deathly food allergies have prevailed over me.
I don't tell you those things for you to feel sorry for me or anything, but I tell you those things to show the intricate details of how the enemy has hit me in almost all of my biggest fears and has used them to keep me stuck in his fear and darkness. God, did not bring me here to leave me here. That is something that I had forgotten and just that simple promise changes the perspective of everything. Now, do I have the answers and know exactly how to get back to normal and not allowing my fears to paralyze me??? NO. I do know the One who does though.
SO. Maybe you're reading this today and you're thinking, "If you don't know how to fix it, then what's the point in sharing this now?". My answer to you is, I know someone is struggling just as bad as I am right now. There's someone that needs to hear that they are not alone and they are not defined by their paralyzed moments. It's not your identity and it's not going to last forever. I don't have all the answers, but I'm not called to have all the answers. I'm called to share my heart and encourage even in the darkest places. The SOUL purpose of this blog is YOU. My heart goes out to you and longs for you to know the love and the purpose driven life from Jesus.
If all you can do today is pray, then pray. If all you can do today is take a walk, then take a walk. If all you can do today is the small chores in your household, then do those small chores. Baby steps towards the right direction is never the wrong decision. I don't have all the answers for you, but I know the One who does. Let him guide you in the darkness. Remember that this confusion and depression does not come from Him. His peace will carry us through because He did not bring us here to leave us here.
I love you sweet friend. Keep pushing through and know that I'm right there with you. Share this blog with your struggling friends and pray for them fervently.
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